When trying to piece together my story, it’s hard to pinpoint exactly where I should begin, but I feel in my spirit that I should start from none other than the beginning where God first sought to capture my heart.
“Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.” Proverbs 22:6 NIV
The only example that I had ever seen when it came to pursuing a relationship with Christ came from my grandmother Ms. Isabel. Like most children, I adored my grandmother and it is she that planted the first seeds of faith into my heart. I learned as a child to love God and that Sundays were set aside to worship him. There came a time, however, when my mother separated us from our family here in good ol Wisconsin, and moved us back to her hometown in Pennsylvania. I no longer had the influence of my grandmother and my mother spoke nothing of a relationship with the lord, and so I grew up of course to lead my life according to the ways of the world.
At the age of 11, my mother having known that I did enjoy attending church from time to time with other friends, heard of a Christian camp about an hour from our town. Before I knew it, i was registered for a full week overnight to attend High Point Baptist Camp. I believe with all my heart that this was one of the greatest acts of love my mother could have ever done for me, because it was at this camp where I fell in love with Jesus again. Although I did not know him well, I wanted to know him. I spent each summer from the age of 11 to 15 at this camp, and every year I received a healing, a peace, a joy that I had not experienced back home. Home was not always the sanctuary for me that it should have been.
The summer of 2006 was the last I had seen of High Point and little did I know, it would be the beginning of a whole new work the lord would begin in me that would lead me to the day I received Christ as my savior.
I faced many challenges in the home some that were a result of my own poor choices and some that were out of my control. As a result, I suffered from much verbal and physical abuse from my mother. I will say for the record, my mother wasn’t a bad mother. My brother and I were well cared for, but I did not know love in the form of words of affirmation or affection. I was torn down with words and the stresses of my mothers life were often taken out on me leaving me with a pain that could only be healed by Our God.
As we neared the end of 2006 I started to seek God in a way that I had never sought him before. I took my old King James Bible with me everywhere. Even to school. I knew nothing but the Psalms, but the little I knew offered me comfort. I prayed Psalms 23 everyday and asked God to remove me from my mother’s care. I thought he would remove me and allow me to stay in Pennsylvania with other family, but of course we know that although he may answer our prayers he doesn’t always answer them the way we think or want. Instead, I was removed and sent to Milwaukee, WI, a city that I had not seen since i was a little girl. I knew nothing and no one except for my grandmother.
January of 2007, I traveled to a new place. A place that I loathed. A place that made me cringe. A place that I could not get away from, YET, it was the very place I needed to be.
“From one man he made all the nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us.” Acts 17:26-27 NIV
I was sent to live with an old friend of my mother’s. I moved in with a family that were strangers to me. You know, those kind that say they remember you from when you were little but you have no clue who they are? Yea…it was one of those. For a year and a half I was deeply depressed. The only time I left my room was for dinner and school. The following summer, my mother sent for my return to Pennsylvania and by this time I had finally began to accept my place in Wisconsin and didn’t want to go back, but of course as a minor I had no choice. Everything seemed to be going well until i suffered from abuse again for no reason. I did my best to work through being at a whole new school for the 2nd time. I went to school, participated in activities, and came home. I studied and got good grades. I was a good 17 year old kid. I always tried to do my best, but it never seemed to be enough. I decided that I would not accept my mother’s abuse anymore, and in January of 2009 after turning 18 in December I returned to Milwaukee. I enrolled back into the high school I had attended previously, graduated with honors, and enlisted in the United States Army.
In early June of 2009 as I waited to leave for Basic training by July 28th, i started a romantic relationship that would become my kryptonite. Angel was her name, and although she would be the first and only woman that I would ever love, I had known for some time (since a young girl about 8 yrs old) that I had an attraction to members of the same sex. My relationship with Angel was exciting, exhilarating, passionate, but it was toxic not to mention manipulative. Of course what’s that saying? Oh right…“love” is blind, and this relationship was an addiction that I could not shake. I gave up my military career to pursue Angel, and in return she broke my heart. The spring and early summer of 2010 I was broken over the relationship I had with Angel. I tried seeing another woman to get over her and I spent many nights praying for God to restore what we had. He, however, had other plans.
Summer of 2010, I had a dream that deeply disturbed me. I dreamt I died and my soul was falling to hell. Before this dream, I had never thought about life after death. I always thought that I wasn’t afraid to die, but this dream made me afraid of where I would go when I died. I remember thinking, “I’m a good person, but what if being a ‘good person’ isn’t enough?” I was encouraged by a friend of mine to pray, and while I had no clue where to begin because I had not spoken to God in a long time, I somehow managed to ask “show me that you are real.” Very strange and supernatural things started to happen to me. I found myself in random conversations with people about God, death, and eternal life. People I had trusted and who did not care about my sexual preferences were now telling me it was wrong or sinful, and I began having more dreams about the spiritual realm and experiences with demonic entities. I was officially spooked, but instead of scaring me a way from God it made me want to run to God. So another prayer was spoken. “Lord, i want to go to church, but I don’t know where to go. I want a good church. A church where people really love you. They practice what they preach. I want to have friends. I want to have family. I want to feel like I’m apart of something.” I spoke these words, closed my eyes, and went to sleep.
Sometime later on an early morning I was at work. I was a shift leader at Auntie Anne’s pretzels and the mall had just opened at 10am. A young college kid about 22 named Becca and a this guy named` Sean would be my first customers. At least that’s what I thought, but instead Becca approached my counter and said, “hi I’m Becca and I go to this AMAZING church called the Milwaukee Church of Christ, and I was wondering if you would ever like to come out or study the Bible?!” I immediately in that moment knew that this was an act of God, and so without hesitation I said “yes! I just prayed about this!” We exchanged numbers and planned to meet for a bible study.
It’s funny to think back to this time, because I really had no clue what I was getting myself into. I guess you just never know how God will come into your life and completely blow your mind! At this point, I believed there was a God, but I was a bible skeptic. I didn’t believe every word from it, but then again I never truly gave it a chance either. I told Becca openly that I identified with being a lesbian and I didn’t believe it was wrong so therefore disagreed with the Bible on that stance. I just remember how loving she was. She didn’t care about that or at least she didn’t show that she cared, which was rare. Most Christians I knew of always had something to say immediately about that. She just wanted me to get to know Jesus and so I did.
I began devouring the book of John and I believe this is where I truly met Jesus for the first time. I fell in love with his character, and his interactions with people blew me away! It was unlike anything I had ever seen or heard or read about. I was deeply moved by the scriptures, but deep down I still had that question of whether or not loving a woman romantically was wrong.
It was at my 3rd bible study with Becca where the lord opened my eyes to a truth my soul had been seeking. I don’t remember what study we were on, but I remember the scripture:
“Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it. What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit their very self (soul)?” Luke 9:23-25 NIV
I can’t explain what happened to me in this moment. All I know was that the Sun was beaming on me and it was as if I heard a small voice that said to me, “Lilly you know what must be done.” And IMMEDIATELY I knew in my heart that I had to walk away from my life as a lesbian. I just knew I was in sin. I just knew it was wrong. I just knew I did not truly know God. I just knew I needed to repent. And I lost it. I became so overwhelmed with sorrow that I wept and I wept. Becca and a young gal named Kelly who were both studying with me at that time looked me and asked what was wrong. My response: “IM GOING TO HELL!” I was hysterical, but they comforted me and told me I still had time.
I’m sure they thought, “what is going on with this girl?” But when I say something supernatural took over that day and it hit me like a ton of bricks, I’m telling you it was something serious and boy did it hurt. Notice how the scripture has absolutely nothing to do with homosexuality. Nothing at all, and yet God’s spirit moved and spoke to me. I felt God’s presence that day and it will forever be a moment in time that I will never forget.
Was I baptized right away? Not a chance! I finally knew the truth, but I was not ready to accept it. I took several months off from studying the Bible and went back about my life, but God was not done with me yet and through Becca he fought for me still. After about 6 months, I was convinced to return to visit the Milwaukee church. I honestly didn’t want to go, but Becca was pretty persuasive. That day I witnessed a service and performance that melted my heart and brought me to tears, and I agreed to recommit to studying the Bible again. This time, however, i re began my studies with a someone named Erin. I was turned off by it at first, but Erin’s care free and childlike spirit was exactly what I needed. From February 2011 until June we took our time with my studies, I wrestled with my demons, and found my way to a whole new me with God at my side. I prayed and fasted for guidance on the day that I would be baptized, and the lord lead me to June 12th 2011. I was so excited I called Erin to tell her, only to find out two things:
1. June 12th was her physical birthday. 2. June 12th would be the day the Racine Church of Christ would be planted.
June 12th 2011, i stood wearing my shirt “all the cool girls are lesbians”underneath a black t-shirt. I wanted to be baptized in that shirt because If my baptism symbolized me participating in the death and resurrection of Christ, I wanted to die to that old part of me. I still remember looking up to the sky that day and saying “lord, I don’t know how I’m going to do this, but I trust you will change my heart.” My baptism was magical. I could feel heaven singing. I was overwhelmed the moment I came out of the water with a feeling of LOVE so intense that it brought me to tears. The sun yet again beamed down on me and I knew that I finally belonged to him and all my sins had been washed away. I changed into my dry clothes, tore up my lesbian shirt, and tossed it in the woods! I was elated!
That day in Johnson park as all the members of the Midwest churches gathered around to celebrate the new church planting, I looked around and realized something. I remembered my prayer from a year before, and there it was. A church where people truly loved God. A church where people practiced what they preached. A place where I had friends. A new family. A place where I felt like I was apart of something great. He gave me everything I asked for in his Kingdom.
As I look back on the timeline that is my life, I see that through every hardship I had ever been through, God was there all along never far from me and always with a master plan.